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2010-07-19 조회수 : 2730 |
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Foolish Love Throughout my life I have behaved in many of foolish ways due to the emotion called love. Love is something I used to dream about as a child and have grown to fear as an adult. Every person feels differently about love, but because of David I hurt my parents, my self-esteem and ability to trust people. At the age of fourteen, I was not concerned with my parents feelings. I did exactly the opposite of what they told me to do and did not think about the consequences. When they found out I was dating a guy five years older than me they tried to prohibit me from seeing him again. I was in love so I made it possible to see David every time he wanted to see me. I would get my parents to drop me off somewhere like the movies or putt-putt and he would pick me up after they had left. I would sneak out of my bedroom window and meet David down the road. I did not care if my parents found out, all that mattered to me was seeing David. I blamed everything that went wrong in my life on them. If David did not call me one night, I would accuse them of taking the phone off the hook. If David was rude to me, I would claim it was because he knew they did not like him. I would do anything to ignore the fact that David did not love me. It took a while for my parents to forgive me. I can only imagine what I put them through. I just wanted to be loved by David so deeply, I hurt the people who actually loved me the most. Not only did I hurt my parents, I hurt my self-esteem to. I would constantly criticize myself by thinking the reason David left me was because I was not pretty enough for him. In my mind David was perfect and I was nothing without him. I blamed myself for being so young and immature when all along it was David who was the immature one. He would often make jokes about my age as if it was my fault that I was younger than him. I would lock myself in my bedroom and not see or talk to anybody for days at a time. Eventually, I realized David was not worth all this pain and moved on with my life but the scars will always be with me. For me to learn to trust again has been the hardest issue of all. I had all the trust in the world in David and he let me down. Everything he said to me was a lie. When he said he loved me, I believed him. When he said he would never leave me, I thought he really meant it. I find it difficult to be in other relationships because I am constantly wondering if they are being truthful. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he claimed he loved me and I felt like I barely knew him. I have come to the conclusion that I am scared to trust because I am scared of love. I do not want to get hurt again, so I keep my distance from anything that could cause me pain or disappointment. Love has caused me to hurt my parents, and my self-esteem and ability to trust people. I have heard people say love is the best feeling in the world. I think I will just take their word and not chance it right now. I still have a lot of healing to do before I am fully ready to commit myself to anyone else.
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